7 Commandments of Concert Etiquette

These commandments have existed for eons. Every generation must be taught (sometimes again and again) the etiquette’s required of a concert goer. Even some of the older generations get lost on the path and must be reminded on how to keep themselves in check. Most of these are rules to live by but some of these can occasionally be broken under certain circumstances.

1. Thou Shall Not Wear the Kings Colors

I learned this concept when I was around the age 12 and since then I have been trying to wrap my head around people wearing the headlining bands t-shirt to the concert. We all know you like them, you fucking bought tickets. Don’t be a jackass. Show some support for the opening bands or a band that is similar to the one playing.

Exceptions:

• A Hand-made shirt (bonus points if it was made by faeries)
• A Vintage shirt from at least ten years ago
• A Shirt bought at the concert and there is no place to stash it
• It is sometimes acceptable to wear a Shirt from a side-project  (Wearing an A Perfect Circle Shirt to a Tool concert is pretty lame. Where as a Them Crooked Vultures shirt at a Foo Fighters concert would be acceptable.)

2. Thou Shall Not Disrobe

If I wanted to be rubbed up on by half-naked men I would have made wrestling my sport of choice in high school and college. Or I would go to a gay club in one of the local major cities. The concert pit is not a place to throw your shirtless sweaty body into unwilling, horrified victims.  No one wants to taste what you taste like. Or feel what you feel like. Or be impregnated by the sperm that you left on your stomach after masturbating before the show.

Exception:

• Morrissey
• Women with Attractive Chests

3. Thou Shall Clean Thyself

I hate that I even have to put this on the list. Alas, there has been an incalculable amount of times that I have been made dizzy by the foul stenches coming from some form of dirty human. Everyone understands that people get sweaty in the pit. Put on twice the amount of deodorant to counter act this. Or wear cologne. Bring some mints while you’re at it because your face is going to be awfully close to other faces. Some of you may be traveling to other cities for your shows and have planned events for the entire day. Good for you, put deodorant in the car, in a purse, or smuggle some in inside your underwear.

Exceptions: None

4. Thou Shall Not Chant Unknowingly

I’ve got no pictures and few words for this one. If you don’t know the lyrics, don’t try to fucking sing them unintelligibly in someone’s ear. Everyone who is an actual fan will be so annoyed by your ignorance that they will have a hard time enjoying themselves.

This especially goes for people in the second row who are singing into the ears of the people who waited 8 hours in line to get to the front to see their favorite band.

Exception:

• You’re mentally challenged

5. Thou Shall Honor Boobies

Women will be attending every concert. It might be a male-oriented band but you’ll still find girlfriends, sisters and lady friends hanging out at the concert. Respect them. If they’re crowd surfing, don’t grab their boobs or crotches. They’re light creatures, easily lifted. Get them where they need to go.

If one of these females decides to show off her goods to the band members, don’t grab them, take pictures, or stare at them awkwardly. If they’re getting knocked around near a pit and don’t look too happy about it, be a gentleman and put yourself between her and the pit.

Exceptions:

• If a girl is trying to get in front of you for no reason besides her selfish ones: punch her.

6. Thou Shall Not Partake in Too Much Mead

Nothing good comes from being shit faced at a show. You’ll make stupid decisions, like taking your shirt off or touching some girls boobs, and you probably won’t remember a goddamn thing about the show you paid money to see.

How about you take it easy and only have a couple to loosen yourself up. Just enough to get you singing nice and loud with the correct lyrics. You’ll talk freely to your neighbors without being offensive or disruptive. You might even be able to catch a guitar pick because when you’re drunk you’ll see five of them coming when there is only one.

Look at all of the benefits for only catching a buzz during the concert.

Exceptions:

• The lead singer is fucking your girlfriend

7. Thou Shall Not Part the Red Sea

If you’re going to crowd surf or stage dive, pay the fuck attention. Check out the lane you will probably be taking while surfing. Is it fraught with girls and meager men? Does it come dangerously close to the mosh pit where no one will be paying attention to you. How far away are you from the stage? If all of these observations add up to a precarious surfing trip, move somewhere else. If you’ve seen a couple of surfers go by on a certain path, go over to that area.

Similar things should be taken into account for stage diving. If the front two rows is made up of women, you might have to save your stage diving days for your local punk show.

Exceptions:

• You’re a petite lady (or James Adair) and easily held up