Pretend Conversations Before Famous Celebrity Transgressions

With the immediacy of news and the ability to obtain it from multiple means of communication, no one is safe from getting their image tarnished. Yet, the rich and the famous, who are incessantly under the microscope of the public’s eye, continue to involve themselves in the always entertaining, and often disturbing, celebrity scandal. You have the greatest golfer on the planet engaging in multiple affairs. There was Pee-Wee Herman getting arrested for pleasuring himself inside of a Florida adult theater. And of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recent admission that he fathered a child over a decade ago with he and his former wife’s household worker. The point is, as long as fame exists, celebrities from all walks of life will create such story-lines.

It’s sad, I suppose, that the public has so much fun discussing these humiliating episodes. But do you know what’s more fun than discussing them? Making up fake dialogue about them.

June 2011—Chris Hansen, former host of NBC’s To Catch a Predator, dining with Florida television reporter, Kristyn Caddell.

Chris Hansen: So you know what I do, right? I’m the guy on television that pops out from behind a doorway and catches those slimy pedophiles.

Kristin Caddell: Oh, you mean these guys?

A group of every slimly pedophile Chris Hansen ever caught: (All enter and gather around table) What exactly are you doing here, Mr. Hansen?

Chris Hansen: Umm, wha—who are all of you?

A group of every slimly pedophile Chris Hansen ever caught: And what’s this paper say here? ‘Meet me 4 dinner at the The Ritz-Carlton, and then we’ll have some fun, smiley face.’ Do you remember sending that text message, Mr. Hansen?

Chris Hansen: Guys come on, this is a profe—

A group of every slimly pedophile Chris Hansen ever caught: What type of fun were you looking to engage in? Go ahead and run, Mr. Hansen. We have cameras on your every move.

January 1994—Tonya Harding, former world-class figure skater, talking to a hardware store clerk.

Tonya Harding: Do you happen to have any hard, metal rods?

Hardware store clerk: Let me see. Well, what are you looking to do?

Tonya Harding: Just, like, win the 1994 Norway Winter Olympics figure skating gold medal.

June 1995—Hugh Grant’s attempt to lure sex worker, Divine Brown, on Sunset Boulevard while in his car.

Hugh Grant: Miss, ah, what do ya say we, ah, head to a water closet?

Divine Brown: HUH?

June, 1994—O.J. Simpson’s exchange with gas station attendant.

O.J. Simpson: FILL IT UP!

February 2009—Rihanna giving then-boyfriend Chris Brown career advice the day before the Grammys.

Rihanna: Maybe you gotta get rid of that whole ‘sweet and sensitive guy’ role.

Chris Brown: You think so?

Rihanna: Hell yeah! If you become a bad boy, your next album will go straight to number one! And the douche bag image will reinvent your entire career!

Chris Brown: Hmmm.

November 2006—Michael Richards (Seinfeld’s Kramer) talks with a fellow comedian before his set at a comedy club in Hollywood, California.

Fellow comedian: The crowd is great, man. You’re going to kill it!

February 2009—Vince Shlomi (the ShamWow Guy) mingling in a Miami Beach hotel room with prostitute, Sasha Harris.

Vince Shlomi: OW! You bit my freakin’ tongue! I’m bleeding!

Sasha Harris: Relax! I’ll get some paper towels and clean it up.

Vince Shlomi: (Holding his mouth) Paper towels….PAPER TOWELS?!?!


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Categories: Culture

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