7 Candies That Rot in Your Post-Halloween Bowl


Once the joy of showing off your Halloween costume at school and through the town has sadly come to an end, fortunately, there is still work to be done as a participant of the most animated holiday of the year. The next step is emptying out the designated Halloween, bag, container or pillowcase, and sprawling out every bit of candy across the floor. As a kid, the adrenaline rush experienced by examining the fortress of sweets ranks a few notches below walking down the steps on Christmas morning. It can be a surreal moment, because it’s easy to forget the quantity and quality of candy accumulated during the night. Did I really stop at this many houses? How many of these fun size bags of M&M’s can I stuff in my mouth at once? Why are there nickels and an orange in here?

After the mound is transferred into a large container of some sort, it takes immense self-control (no matter what age) not to immediately open the king size Milky Way or Gobstoppers that you got from the street in your neighborhood with the houses that always seemed a little bigger than yours. And then suddenly, as each November day passes, the once giant heap of premium treats is whittled down to nothing but several of the same types of candy. The candies that make you wonder what exactly it is you’re eating. The candies your mom forces you to get rid of, just so she can finally use the kitchen bowl again. The candies given out by the old lady who lives behind you and keeps your Wiffle balls when you hit them in her backyard.

These candies.

Candy Buttons

No candy makes it more of a chore to eat something so little and bland than Candy Buttons. Further, with the copious amount of paper needed, they are easily the most environmentally unfriendly candy on the market. Want to know why every year birds and monkeys are losing trees to nest and rest in? Candy Buttons.


Mary Jane

Nothing says childhood euphoria like peanut butter and molasses in taffy form. Just by the look of Mary Jane candies makes you wonder if they should put a warning on the wrapper: Dust off before eating.


Wax Bottles/Lips

Candies that make one unsure of what is edible and what should not be consumed is best not to be distributed to trick-or-treaters. Wax Bottles/Lips are the gateway candies to kids eating candles.


Peanut Chews

You know what they call Peanut Chews these days? Somewhat healthy granola bars.


Mounds

Generally, kids do not enjoy coconut. And generally, kids do not enjoy dark chocolate. Both of those assertions conclude the general population of kids think Mounds suck.


Almond Joy

Peter Paul Candy Manufacturing Company’s marketing supervisor, circa 1919: “Ok, team, so the coconut with dark chocolate thing isn’t taking off with kids like we had hoped, so how about we make essentially the same candy bar, but with nuts in it!…Guys?”


Whoppers

Whoppers have got to be the most left behind Halloween candy of all-time. You couldn’t give these things away for free during elementary school lunch time. They are advertised as “malted milk balls,” but one could confuse the words “milk balls” for “moth balls.” And one could confuse the taste of both, too.

….Not that I’ve ever tasted moth balls, or anything.

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6 Comments on “7 Candies That Rot in Your Post-Halloween Bowl”

  1. Chelsea Crist
    11.2.11 at 6:44 PM #

    good call on these. i always thought maryjanes were the creepiest candy

  2. 11.2.11 at 6:59 PM #

    Thanks logo designer!

  3. 11.2.11 at 7:56 PM #

    I’ve never seen anybody eat a maryjane. Never ever.

  4. Colin Holmes
    11.2.11 at 8:00 PM #

    I was accidentally logged in as Drew when I said I’ve never seen anyone eat maryjanes. He always sneaks on my computer when I’m not looking.

  5. 11.9.11 at 3:54 PM #

    Hey Dan,

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  6. Kaida
    10.30.12 at 9:12 PM #

    Well Whoppers are the only candy I’ll eat out of these

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