Dan’s Bogus Predictions for 2012

Happy 2012, all. I hope the sudden transition from the contagious cheer of the holiday season to the immediate, bitter cold of winter has not been too devastating to handle. It’s only five days old, yet the New Year has already given us some unexpected and outrageous storylines. So, I’ve decided to ring in 2012 in proper fashion, you know, by making my own ridiculous and inconceivable projections.


Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga will start dressing like the human beings they once were. I’m not sure any of these three fashion-inclined artists own a pair of jeans. I always feel for the person who has to sit behind one of them at an awards show.

Adam Sandler is going to make the funniest film of his career this year. After starring in the universally criticized Jack & Jill (Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 3%) and co-producing the equally dreadful Zookeeper (starring Kevin James, who keeps trying), Sandler is overdue in trying to win back the fans he earned in the 90s and early millennium when he wrote and starred in comedies that were actually funny.

After seven years of isolation, R. Kelly will come out of the closet. Nope. He won’t. He never will. The doors are shut and he isn’t emerging. And evidently, R. Kelly’s giving us 32 more reasons why he’s staying put in 2012.

Children ages 12 and younger will start using Facebook. This prediction might actually become a reality, though. In 2011, who would have thought we’d be uttering the phrase, “Yeah, so, my grandma friend requested me today.” Just wait until Tommy, your 10-year-old neighbor from down the street does the same thing in 2012. I can’t wait to see their status updates: “Killed it at hide and seek today. Now bout to eat and watch Wizards of Waverly, lololol”; “Wtf, Mrs. Wilson gave us homework…on a Friday?! Really???; “So sick of cleanin my room every week. This is such bull$#!%.”

Bruno Mars is going to put out a doo-wop album. Despite naming his debut album Doo-wops & Hooligans, Mars barely added any elements of the genre to it. At best, it’s a Grammy nominated album that’s a mixture of pop-rock and reggae. At worst, it consists of three of the most annoying top-40 songs of the last year. But he’s versatile, and is the only pop act left who possesses all the characteristics to revive doo-wop, using the influences he was brought up on. Don’t tease me by performing this so freakin’ well, and then release “The Lazy Song.”

Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos will win the Super Bowl.  Vince Lombardi has a better shot at coaching in the NFL next season than Tim Tebow does at winning the Super Bowl this year. But…wouldn’t it be great? It would be, singlehandedly, the most remarkable triumph in sports history. Go ahead, call him the worst quarterback to ever lead his team to the playoffs. In the Super Bowl, he’s going to complete 5 of 24 passes for 87 yards, force 2 interceptions, and somehow, they’ll win. And when he hoists the Lombardi Trophy at midfield, ESPN will simultaneously explode.

Tom Hanks will become President of the United States. Hanks will not only win the 2012 election overwhelmingly, but he and Vice President Timberlake will repair the abysmal U.S. economy, bring every single American troop home from war, reenergize foreign policy, and restructure our healthcare system…their first day in office. Just stare at this picture for ten seconds. It’s just too wonderful, right?

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Categories: Culture

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