Things To Do While Waiting In Line


I hope everyone has had the immense pleasure of spending hours freezing their ass off outside of a store on Black Friday. Or at least spent four or five hours waiting to get into a concert venue to see a favorite band. If neither of these apply to you, find a relative or friend that has done these and bring them to the computer. Don’t e-mail it to them. Call them and tell them it’s an emergency and you need them in your bedroom immediately.

Suggestion 1: Have Your Band Play

If  you’re a solo musician or in a band, Black Friday is a prime day to get yourself some exposure. Either set up your equipment in the back of a truck with a generator or drop some beats acoustic style. Play a couple of songs for each part of the line and hand out your EP’s and flyers to anyone you can. Also, have some sort of trivia contest and give out t-shirts to the winners.

Suggestion 2: Make a Profit

If you’re waiting around for hours in a line to spend money you might as well try to make some of the money back so you aren’t looking at losses all across the board. Solution: get some cheap ass hot dogs and buns at the discount grocery store and sell the shit out of them. Other sellable products:

  • Your sister
  • Soft Pretzels
  • Soup
  • Hot Chocolate or Coffee
  • Pizza slices
  • Bags of Chips
  • Gloves

Suggestion 3: Play Whisper Down the Alley

Come on, you haven’t done it since you were a kid and there will be plenty of bored people in line that will take any form distraction. Make a rule though, each person can only say the phrase one time to the person next to them. No repeats whatsoever. Wear a referee uniform and patrol you alley viciously enforcing the rule.

Suggestion 4: Get Drunk and Disorderly

This doesn’t take much of an explanation. Don’t use a flask, that’s too obvious that you’re trying to be stealthy. Keep it simple. Make Rum N’ Coke in a coke bottle. Proceed to get shit faced. Let someone else handle your money.

Suggestion 5: Build Blanket Fort

If you watch Community you know just how big blanket forts can get. You also know what can go down inside of them Latvia independence parades. Action packed chase scenes. Hookah circles. Strange, fetish rooms. Everything goes down inside of a blanket fort. Make sure you bring plenty of objects that can be used as support beams. Chairs. Sticks. Lawn Flamingos. Children.

Suggestion 6: Get Better Positioning in Line By Using Immoral Tactics

Some of your might not be able to intimidate your line peers and you will need the use of a subtle and devious method. Here are tactics some:

  • Convince the person next to you that their significant other is cheating on them by relating stories of how you’ve been cheated on three times. All of them on Black Friday. Watch him/her leave.
  • If you brought your sister, whore her out to the guy in front of you.
  • If you brought your brother, hit him in the nuts with a water bottle from a distance and step in front of the people helping him.
  • Bring a cache of clothing and pick out someone in the crowd and dress like them. Preferably someone with something over their face. Take their spot in the crowd when they step away from the line and start yelling for him to get to the back of the line when he turns around.
  • Dress like employees of the store. Escort yourselves to the front of the store as the doors open. Tell everyone else that you’re “just going in to work.”
  • Have a friend do a drive-by in an unmarked car with a paintball gun. Don’t give yourself away by wearing a mask, just take the ball hits like a man or tough chick.
  • Don’t shower for two weeks.

Good luck!

Suggestion 7: Get Angry For Warmth

This is just a fun endeavor for everyone, mostly you, but I’m sure everyone else will love this. There will be plenty of types of people that go against the grain of your personality. Just focus on what you hate about them and and visualize throwing hot soup (that you wish you had because you’re freezing your nuts/tits off) into their eyes. I prefer the eyes because they’re soft and gooey. It’s also fun to watch people frantically grab at them like they’re trying to tear them out. You’ll be nice and toasty after using this mental technique!

DON’T MISS MY OTHER THINGS TO DO LIST: WAITING FOR YOUR PLANE

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Categories: Culture

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