7 (Humorously Written) Ways to Get Over a Break-Up

Neil Sedaka had it right and no one listened. But who cares. This isn’t Remaining Men Together. I’m not here to talk about your problems with you. What you need to do is get back on track. Turn your life around. Start getting your head on straight. So you see, there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to dodge that train first. I know what you need.

You need 7 (Humorously Written) Ways to Get Over a Breakup.

Getting Over a Break-Up

7. List Off

Yes, go on, list off. Make a list of all the pros and cons of your previous relationship. Hell, make a list of all the reasons why you despise your Ex. It’ll reaffirm your choice of ending the relationship. Plus, it’ll be a great thing to post on Craig’s List if you’re feeling vindictive. I can see it now. “Seeking all males who despise bamboozling, deceptive, swindling females for good time in the city. Call ***-***-****” I’m sure the shot toast will be all the reason to make every female flock to your self-pitying, commiserating group. Hell, you might inspire a group of guys to create a website where they blog in the form of itemized lists.

6. Find a New Hobby

Getting Over a Break-Up

Whether it be immersing yourself in a new line of bedazzled scarfs or finally getting started on that 1950s era stamp collection, a new hobby always seems to distract the mind from that pain staking breakup. Very few things are better than the fact that you have been struck with the sudden urge to leave the comfort of your futon and those awful plaid pajamas you clung on to and venture out into the world (or the nearest A.C. Moore).

Motivation. Ah. A rare thing when the only hint of it was whether or not you had the willpower to finally buy those Depends so you could rule using an actual bathroom out of your daily routine of Kleenex and bowl after bowl of Pops. Grasp on to this new inspirational aspect of your life. It may lead to bigger and better things. Like an eviction notice from your landlord after he finds out you didn’t like the wallpaper and decided to charcoal abstract bird paintings on your wall.

5. Brag

Really? Brag? And I say to you… yes. Brag, boast, toot your horn, yank your own chain, bluster all you want. What’s worse than a tattered ego? Well, the exact antithesis to be exact. Shit, make something up. See a picture of Mount Kilimanjaro at the bar? “I climbed that,” to the nearest girl. Witness a guy doing shot for shot Marion Ravenwood style? “I can do more,” to the woman next to you. Hell, I incarnate things randomly throughout the day to myself. An hour ago, I told myself that I impregnated Elijah Wood. Care to argue with me? I think not.

How To Get Over a Break-Up

4. Work Out

All this free time… hmm… the endless possibilities. You catch yourself in the mirror and GOOD-GOD-WHEN-DID-I-BECOME-NICOLE-RICHIE?! So you lost weight after the breakup. No worry. I mean, who nourishes themselves anymore after losing your better half…? Not celebrities and by American’s Standards of Transitive Property, you shouldn’t either. But then you realize that you’ll never attract the opposite sex again if you continue to look like Mary-Kate Olsen.

In a stroke of genius, you realize you could kill two meals with one finger. Relieve stress and solicit sex. It even sounds good. Perhaps you should put it on a shirt. No…No No No. Awful idea. Stay focused. Working out makes you feel good which in turn counter acts the fact that you still haven’t found where your Ex hid your favorite heart… Ahem. Shirt. Favorite shirt. So lift on, my friend. You’ll soon have the muscle mass to rival Carrot Top… but you’ll never top his career… ever. Never ever. Okay, you may. Cause really, he’s terrible.

3. Play Video Games

Getting Over a Break-Up

A man’s best friend in some pre-pubescent minds. Your beloved video game console never judges you, never cast downward glances your way. And no other machine…person…thing… understands your touch. The way your thumbs encircle those voluptuous joysticks… the curves of the triggers under your forefingers…

Ahem. Where was I? Yes, video games. The one thing you can turn on and off without attachment, sort of like your Ex’s feelings for you. They distract you from your suffering all while giving you the satisfaction that the grenade you just threw at that insurgent on the screen just might be your Ex’s lover under that balaclava. So cheer up, you have yet another way to relieve your anguish. Hope is just “A-B-A-A-down-up-left” away.

2. Work Lots of Overtime

Nothing denotes the urge to commit homicide like work does. And lots of it. That is, work… not homicide. Maybe that’s why she left you in the first place, you spend too much time at the office. Great job, buddy. However, we’re not trying to point fingers here. That’s right, I’m pointing at you chief. We’re here to solve problems. And what a better way than to spend 15 hours a day at the place you probably hate the most.

Although you despise Gary because he talks incessantly and Paul’s useless because he can’t seem to get his stapler 1.65 inches equidistant from his paper clips and pencil sharpener, they still seem to pull through for you when you just want to direct your anger elsewhere. How can you think about your Ex and her stupid, beautiful hair and…

Ok, back. How can you think about her when you’re directing your attention at making sure your recent case doesn’t fall through. I mean, really Rihanna… we’re not going to fall for it this time. And hey, just think. If you can’t stand work, you got 6 other suggestions to improve your incredibly awful life with.

1. Have Meaningless Sex

There are few things in life that are fail-safe. Whether it be your mom, construction on the highway when you’re running late, non-alcoholic beer tasting awful, your mom, and of course… your mommy, you can always rely on these things to ring true. However, nothing can top the end all, be all method of getting over that lying, cheating, dirty little… ahem… your ex by inhibition free copulation with a complete and utter stranger.

Now, some people are not fortunate enough in being able to lasso in free intercourse when they please. Which is where paying for it comes into play. Paying a prostitute. For sex. Because we’re desperate here. So very, very desperate. For sex. And if this very act doesn’t get you over the hurdle, rubbing it in your Ex’s face will. Plus, if you pay extra, she’ll let you cry longingly as she soothes you. Like your mom use to.

Disclaimer: this satire does not accurately reflect the beliefs and feelings of its writer


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Categories: Advice, People

Author:Anthony Perfetto

That normal guy

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2 Comments on “7 (Humorously Written) Ways to Get Over a Break-Up”

  1. 03.1.12 at 5:53 PM #

    where did you find this lunatic

  2. Mara
    03.5.12 at 2:14 AM #

    this is so brilliantly funny!

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